How to Survive a Public Pool

DUKE CANNON'S PUBLIC POOL ETIQUETTE

Sometimes in order to beat the summer heat you have no choice but to bite the bullet and spend the better part of an afternoon around strangers in swimsuits. In the event that an excursion to the public pool is in your future, we have some advice on how to make this communal activity more tolerable for yourself and others.

DON'T SKIMP ON THE SPF

Every group has one guy who gets bestowed with the nickname "Lobster" when summer rolls around, due to their propensity to turn bright red when exposed to the sun. Don't be the crustacean. Wear sunscreen.

NO PICTURES, PLEASE

There's nary a corner of the world where you can't expect to be accidentally captured forever in someone's bank of phone pics. Most of these are innocuous poses; you're inhaling a hot dog in the background of a ballgame, or staring dumbly at a goat at a petting zoo, etc. But being captured for posterity while nearly naked, slathering SPF on the ol' gut or picking mesh swimsuit liner from your creases is another matter entirely. Show others the courtesy of keeping the snaps to zero, and you can hopefully be karmically assured that an image of you belly-flopping off the low board will not become a widely disseminated internet meme. 

WHEN IN DOUBT, COVER UP

Make no mistake: we celebrate the "dad bod" around here, and are generally all about working with what the good Lord gave you, BUT, in the event that you have recently developed an unsightly rash, have yet to get that unfortunate back tattoo removed, or have been monitoring a mysterious growth on your torso, please consider wrapping up in a towel or keeping that white t-shirt on until things get figured out. 

SNACK IN THE SNACK ZONE

Have you ever dipped your toe in a splotch of nacho cheese? Squished a soggy hot dog bun with your heel? Or slipped on a melted grape Freezee? Not only are these scenarios positively disgusting, they're also potentially hazardous. What happens if you tear an ACL? Who's going to show the kids how they did it back in your day off the high board? There's a cordoned-off area for snacking, and for good reason. 

SAVING YOUR SPOT

Seating is often limited at public pools, and the competition for those reclining chairs can be intense. It is commonly accepted that a towel draped over a chair means it's taken. It is also commonly accepted that anyone trying to save 17 chairs in a row is a clown.

BRING BACK THE FOOT CHECK

Not so long ago would-be public pool swimmers had to place each foot one at a time on a stool in front of a bored teenager to verify that their feet were free of fungus and God-knows what else. We all knew the drill, and accepted it without complaint. We are not sure why this valuable public health initiative went the way of the Dodo, but based on some of the highly questionable toenails we've caught a glimpse during recent visits, we are very much in favor of bringing this back.

THE CANNONBALL IS UNDEFEATED

Sure, the Jacknife creates an impressive water spray, but it always felt a bit too studied for our tastes. The Cannonball however, endures. A surefire crowd-pleaser that will make young and old take notice every time, the Cannonball is the "dive" of choice for hard-working fellows. We ask you: is there any other sports maneuver where it's not only accepted but expected that you loudly yell its name while executing it? No, there is not. Wait until just the right moment to unleash your loud KERPLUNK on the masses, and you'll come to the surface greeted by a chorus of cheers, applause, and if you do it correctly, lifeguard whistles.

IT'S THE GRAND FINALE FOR BIG BANDIT

The rich, smoky scent of our Big Bandit Big Ass Brick of Soap calls to mind those memorable 4th of July holidays where every kid held a sparkler, and every parent held a beer. But much like the fireworks display on the evening of our Nation's birthday, all good things must come to an end, and this limited-edition Big Ass Brick of Soap is set to destruct on Sunday, 7/9 at 11:59 pm.