It's Fantasy Football Draft Season

OTHER DUKE CANNON-SANCTIONED FANTASY LEAGUES

Upon the completion of our umpteenth annual fantasy football draft at the tavern the other night, we got to thinking: why limit something this enjoyable to the fall? Indeed, why limit it to just sports? After all, there are all kinds of pastimes we enjoy. And odds are we would enjoy them even more from an armchair capacity, managing from—well, if not exactly from the sidelines, then from our work computers during meetings. With such a bold idea firmly in mind, here are some potential fantasy leagues we can absolutely get behind.

FANTASY BBQ

There are few cuts of meat we can't make delicious with some rub and open flame. But we do have our preferences when it comes to chicken (wings), pork (ribs), etc. And we do think they're objectively superior vittles, which would make our cutlets cohort a serious contender for league champion. Porterhouse? Ribeye? We know who we're picking. 

FANTASY ACTION HEROES FROM FILM AND TELEVISION

Duke Cannon certainly enjoys the occasional thinking man's flick or series (Columbo, for example), but is most glued to his Barcalounger when it's the good guys versus the bad guys (frequently Germans), and the explosions are both plentiful and unbelievable. Now, can you imagine a starting fantasy lineup comprised of the following two-fisted gentlemen: John McClane, Lt. Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, any Arnold character (we recommend leaning into his early work, however) "Dirty" Harry Callahan, and Johnny Utah? Yeah, we'll just start making room in the trophy case now.

FANTASY DOG SHOWS

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show never goes unwatched in the Cannon household, with plenty of "I want that one" comments from the peanut gallery. Well, now you can have 'that one'—well, the fantasy version, anyway (comes with 100% less poop pick-up, which is a huge benefit of this virtual kennel.) Just pick your favorite breeds and then get ready to go toe-to-toe in a match-up with your daughter, who for some reason truly believes she can win with a roster of puffballs from the Toy group.

FANTASY CAR REPAIR

We admit this one might be a stretch, but we've had a close relationship with our local mechanic, Tony, for many years now, and we are convinced he could be the cornerstone to a powerhouse group of auto mechanics. Surround him with erstwhile Hazard County Mechanic Cooter, that Latka fellow from Taxi, Doc from Back to the Future (that DeLorean had to be a maintenance nightmare), maybe gamble a late-round pick on the guy who kept all the jeeps humming on M*A*S*H, and we're pretty sure the sky's the limit for this squad. 

FANTASY LAWN ORNAMENTS

Many is the time we've gazed into our neighbor's yard and said to ourselves, "Our crow decoy could 100% beat up their garden gnome." The again, who knows what else our neighbor has up his sleeve? Maybe he has one of those life-size crocodiles poured from cement? The only way to know for sure is to declare ourselves Backyard League Commissioner and let the ornament battle begin. We can only hope Rusted Metal T-rex is still available when we're up to pick; that guy just knows how to win. 

WE JUST KICKED OFF A NEW SCENT

The preseason hype has been received loud and clear, with all the television pundits yelling over each other to loudly exclaim that TROPHY GAME is a heavy favorite to bring home the championship in the hotly contested smell division. With notes of smoked leather and amber, this All-American scent is available as THICK High-Viscosity Body Wash and a Big Ass Brick of Soap, and will bring to mind fall Saturdays filled with hard-fought victories. But don't delay: Trophy Game is available for a limited time only.