Duke Cannon Crashes the Oscars

CATEGORIES DUKE CANNON THINKS SHOULD BE ADDED TO THE OSCARS^®️

This Sunday, all the glitz and pageantry of the 96th Annual Academy Awards will air on televisions across the world. And painful musical numbers aside, we always tune in and manage to enjoy the proceedings. But it has occurred to us over the years that there are plenty of worthy cinematic achievements that go unrecognized. With that in mind, here are some new categories that we think the Academy should add to their awards show, post haste.

BEST BEARD

We can all agree this would be a worthy addition to the Academy's list of accolades. But we do have a iron-clad rule: to be nominated, the beard(s) must have actually been grown by the nominee, and not be the result of some Hollywood wig wrangler or a roomful of CGI wizards. And at minimum, we ask that the powers-that-be give a Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert Redford's top-notch facial hair in Jeremiah Johnson.

BEST DISPLAY OF NON-SUPERHERO STRENGTH

We think it is important to make the non-superhero distinction here, since every other movie these days seems to have caped fellows flying about. This category would reward more believable acts of physicality, such as Richard Kiel lifting James Bond's vehicle by the front bumper in The Spy Who Loved Me, or Arnold carrying a seven-foot log on his shoulder in Commando. You know—real life feats of strength that you often see in everyday life.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A TRAINED BEAR

While it is true that most years do not have a large number of films that feature trained bears, we firmly believe that if this category existed, more roles for deserving trained bears would be created.

BEST TRAINING MONTAGE MUSIC

When you hear a fist-pumping anthem during a training montage (any movie worth its salt features one), you instantly feel as if you could run through the proverbial brick wall. It is high time that official recognition be given to the soaring musical numbers that give protagonists the inspiration they need to defy the odds, take on whatever screenwriters throw at them, and thrust their fists skyward in freeze frame.

ANNUAL CHARLES BRONSON "IN MEMORIAM" SEGMENT

We readily admit that seeing the faces of beloved actors and movie craftspeople that have passed in the prior year is an emotional moment that should remain. What we are saying is that the Academy should also feature, in perpetuity, a separate "In Memoriam" segment dedicated solely to Charles Bronson. It is the least the industry can do to salute Chuck's enduring contributions to cinema.

BEST ONSCREEN DOG

Who's a good boy/girl? Whatever dog happily bounds onstage when their name is called, ("…and the Oscar®️ goes to—Barnaby!") grabs the statue in their mouth, and trots off, that's who.

ALUMINUM-FREE SAWTOOTH DEODORANT IS HERE

Duke Cannon has long maintained that no one needs to smell how hard you work. But smelling like cedarwood and alpine air? That's another matter entirely. Well, we have some good news, because our popular Sawtooth scent is now available as an aluminum free deodorant. It's easy on the skin but tough on odor, leaving you smelling like a mountainside jaunt, not a parking garage in South Philly.