Every Friday morning, after downing a big Styrofoam cup of gas station coffee, I log into my randyman69 hotmail account and catch up on my correspondence. And almost without fail, I see my name pop up in the Duke Cannon weekly email, used as an easy target for his slings and arrows. In fact, to hear him tell it, I have never committed a single good deed in all my years on God's green earth! Well, ol' Randy might not be everybody's cup of tea, but I am not without my good points. So, in the interest of defending myself, here are some of my more positive qualities (that Duke Cannon is apparently legally obligated to never share).
I REFUSE TO LET (YOUR) FOOD AND BEVERAGES GO TO WASTE
Wasting food is wrong. Sure, you can put your scraps in a compost bin (or just toss them behind your shed, like I do). But as long as I'm around, there will no need, because I will hunt down every crumb in your home. Same goes for beverages. You know when you open your cooler the morning after a bonfire, and find 2 or 3 cans of beer floating in lukewarm water? Gross, isn't it? Well, consider this a thing of the past, because I will drink every single drop of beer you possess ("No Can Left Behind" is my motto), even if I have to stay until 3AM to do it. This leaves you free to just deal with that mosquito water in your cooler.
I LOVE DOGS
You want proof? Well, I own five of them, all large breeds, and you will hear them happily expressing themselves at all hours. They say a constantly barking dog is a happy dog, after all. They also say dogs are the best judges of character, so ask yourself: How bad can a guy be if five dogs love him?
I WILL LET YOU STORE YOUR THINGS IN MY GARAGE
You have a lot of stuff. Snazzy equipment, high-grade tools, perhaps even a watercraft. In fact, your garage is probably getting pretty cramped. Well, I tell you what: I'll come over, have a look around, and then I'll pick some of those nice things to cart back to my garage, where they will be safely stored at no charge to you. You get more space, I get ready access to a functioning chop saw. That, my friend, is what they call a win-win. And hey, don't worry—you can borrow your stuff back from me at any time (unless I'm currently using it). I'm pretty chill that way.
MY FRIENDS ARE NEVER LONELY
If I am part of your friendship circle, I am available to stop by day and night (and will certainly do so). I do not require an invite, and have lots of time on my hands. And boy, have I got some stories for you! Settle in, get comfy, and get ready for some tales that will curl your toes.
I SUPPORT THE BEES
I take a lot of heat from neighbors for my unorthodox views on lawn care. But someone once told me that bees were in danger of becoming extinct, so I figure that giving them a banquet of dandelions is the least I can do. After all, if there were no bees providing us with honey, how would we make Honey BBQ Fritos®️? Think about that before you throw a side-eye at my colorful lawn (which may or may not have a car sitting on cement blocks occupying part of it). And then, once you have thought about it, say, "Thanks for saving the bees, Randy."
I AM SKILLED AT KAREOKE
When you ride shotgun with me, there is never a dull moment. You will not sit quietly at bar alone with your thoughts. No sir, we will get out there and grab life by the suspenders, and that means regular trips to a bar where someone is willing to hand me a microphone so I can slay the crowd my famous vocal stylings. Some memorable selections from the Randy songbook include "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" (not as a duet; I handle both vocal parts), "Comfortably Numb," and, when I really want to being the house down, Neil Diamond's "America."
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